Yet another update

Tuesday August 24th 2004

I wasn’t sure how I was going to raise the money needed for Dale’s ransom, but I knew I didn’t have a lot of time. The subscription to Zoo would be a bit more of a thorny problem, so I just set up an order with the local newsagent. When he asked who it was for, I just said that it should be collected by a hooded freedom fighter, which didn’t seem to cause too many problems. Thankfully, he also had some pork scratchings in stock, so I bought a few of those whilst I was there. Along with the Times Literary Supplement and a red carnation (that’s nothing to do with the story, I’m just trying out a matchmaking service later this week, though I’m not really sure Norman Cheeseman Esq is really the kind of man I’m after).

Anyway, back to the tale at hand. I could only think of one surefire way to make some cash, but I had no-one to hold my bag of change. And besides, I’d been cautioned the last time I’d been hanging around the docks. So, what else would work? All of a sudden, I had a flash of inspiration. (My case comes up next week.) I’d hold a Blue Peter style Bring ‘n’ Buy sale. Marvellous. Of course, it was a bit short notice, but there are plenty of old folks living in the area, and they’re always complaining that there’s not enough to do, apart from harassing the local bus drivers and smelling of wee.

I managed to persuade Mr Hopkiss, the local vicar to open the church hall late, and, with the aid of the churchwarden, I got all the tables set up. Word soon went round and soon we had old folk hurrying towards the sale, as fast as their zimmer frames and electric chariots would carry them. Luckily we had bargains a-plenty, and apart from two ladies fighting over a Damart thermal vest, it all went off fairly peacefully. Fortunately, we managed to raise £523.43, so Dale would be saved!

I sorted out all the cash, wrapped carefully as the note demanded in a Tesco carrier bag. I had the devil’s own job tracking down a Waitrose carrier bag, but as luck would have it, Mrs Jones from No 4 managed to find one that would do. I added a note of my own, informing them that the getaway car would be parked in the green section of the local multi-storey car park, with a sign in the window indicating that it was for the use of local villains. So, as darkness fell over our sleepy suburb, I crept out towards Oddbins. I also secreted a homing device in the folds of the carrier bag (also from my Detective Action Pack), so I’d be able to track the miscreants to their lair. I did wait to see if anyone picked up the ransom, but I had things I needed to do at home, and let’s be honest, time and Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen wait for no-one.

More news as it happens.