And there's more...

Thursday September 9th 2004

Ok, time for the latest update.

I knew I didn’t have much time to track down the blackmailer, though I was plagued with a vague sense of unease. Something about this case just didn’t add up. Either that or the Lentil Bourgignon I’d had for tea didn’t agree with me.

I did one final check on the blackmail notes, but they didn’t really reveal anything useful, other than that the person who sent them was right-handed, drove a red, four-door Mondeo saloon, wore corduroy slacks and had a birthmark in the shape of the Thundercats logo on his right buttock. The mention of corduroy slacks made me hesitate for a moment. No, it couldn’t be… surely not Bill Oddie? I realised almost instantly that the lack of feathers or bird poo ruled him out as a suspect, but it was a good ten minutes before I recovered my composure.

I decided it was time to hit the pavement, in search of clues. Sadly, the pavement proved quite aggressive and attempted to hit me back, so I thought better of that idea quite rapidly.

How else was I going to find out who was behind this dastardly plot? There was only one thing for it – it was time to go to Mondo Bizarro, our premier nitespot and 24-hour bingo hall. I raced home, grabbed my best clubbing outfit (the black pvc jumpsuit, with integral cupholders and my thigh length dominatrix boots) and jumped into the nearest taxi.

We arrived a few minutes later (I would have walked, but in these boots, no way!) and I fell out of the taxi and into the arms of the Mondo doorman, Tarquin Gaylord. He seemed very pleased to see me (as he doesn’t carry a concealed weapon – as a rule) and rushed me through the check-in procedure.

He then steered me to a corner booth (the one with the banquette) and told me to wait there, he had something to show me. Well, I nearly fainted from shock as he whipped out his seed catalogue and pointed to page 43. There, right in the middle of the page, was an advert for the Spalding Institute, purveyor of rare plants. There was a small picture in the top right hand corner of the advert which I couldn’t quite make out, so I took out my magnifying glass from my Secret Agent’s Utility Belt™ and looked closer. ‘Why, that’s the Evil Bunnyfoot!’ I cried. Clearly the Spalding Institute needed further investigation. Tarquin had made a copy of the page for me, so I thanked him profusely and headed for the bar.

I took the only empty seat and ordered one of Mondo Bizarro’s now legendary cocktails, the Weekend Warrior. It’s a mixture of dark rum, white rum, purple rum, a splash of Lilt for extra flavour and topped off with a float of gun oil. Just the thing for a cosmopolitan private dick about town.

I’d only been at the bar for ten minutes, when I was tapped lightly on the shoulder. It was Merv Hughes, the Australian cricketing legend, asking me to dance. I tried to decline, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer, so we took to the dancefloor just in time for the Gay Gordons. After two hours of tripping the light fantastic, my feet were killing me and the pvc jumpsuit was getting a shade warm. We sat down in a quiet corner of the bingo hall section to take a bit of a breather, at which point Merv leaned over and revealed that it was all a disguise and he was actually Jim from over the road. He’s always had a soft spot for me, ever since the time I rescued him from certain death at the hands of a crooked pie salesman. He thrust a crumpled envelope into my hands with the words ‘Take this and guard it well. It may save your life one day.’

At this point, one of the old ladies sitting further up the hall keeled over – nothing serious, she’d just had one too many Knicker Droppers – and in the resulting confusion I made my escape.

I raced home as fast as I could (which wasn’t particularly fast in the boots I was wearing) and once I’d got home and set the Stalkermatic 5000 security system, I opened the envelope. Inside was a ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card from a Monopoly set, a plastic ID card in the name of Ethel Muggins and a small bronze key. This mystery was getting way too confusing, so I did the only thing I could and fell asleep in front of Bargain Hunt.

Stay tuned for more exciting adventures.