Another update

Monday 23rd August 2004

Over the weekend, I decided it would be a good idea to stake out the paddling pool at the park, where the original ransom note was left. My main problem was choosing a suitable disguise. The first one I tried was that of a small hedge. However, it proved to be wholly uncomfortable, not least because four dogs decided that I was handy for use as a toilet, and the kids playing football were using my left edge as a goalpost and got rather irritated when I kept moving.

I then decided that I'd pretend to be a groundskeeper, so borrowed a rake and some shears from the man downstairs (well, he's not likely to be using them any time in the near future, given that the garden looks like the training ground for the Viet Cong) and headed out to rake and snip for all I was worth. Sadly, I managed to prune one lady's best Sunday hat, and nearly chopped off my own fingers.

So, third time lucky, I decided that I would be the ice-cream seller. If it was hot, I'd make a little money on the side, if not, at least I'd be indoors. So, anyway, there I was selling Strawberry Mivvi's like they were going out of fashion, when suddenly, there was a rustling from the bushes, and out stepped Sir Alan of Titchmarsh, brandishing another note-wrapped brick.

There was no time to lose, so I created a diversion by shouting 'The Mini Milks are on me!' In the ensuing rush, I managed to slip out the side entrance of the van, and was rushing headlong towards the pool. Unfortunately, in my haste I failed to notice the banana skin lying in my path. I slipped, flew gracefully through the air almost as if I'd been shot from a cannon, and landed in an ungainly heap in the middle of the paddling pool (fortunately, the water broke my fall). In the ensuing melee, during which I was cautioned by the police for causing a breach of the peace and being a danger to life and limb, Alan made his escape. However, no-one noticed the brick and note, which I was able to secrete about my person, before limping home.

Again, the same knot was used, as was the same rather interesting combination of words and pictures. This time their message was a little more sinister. 'Place the ransom money in a Tesco carrier bag, wrapped inside a Waitrose bag and leave it next to the bins outside Oddbins, no later than next Wednesday. If you do not do this, we will be forced to slay Mr Winton, in a most despicable manner. You have been warned.'

Still very polite, but with an undertone of steely menace that would indicate they're not people to be trifled with. I still need to do more detecting, I'll let you know what transpires.