Another update

Monday 23rd August 2004

Over the weekend, I decided it would be a good idea to stake out the paddling pool at the park, where the original ransom note was left. My main problem was choosing a suitable disguise. The first one I tried was that of a small hedge. However, it proved to be wholly uncomfortable, not least because four dogs decided that I was handy for use as a toilet, and the kids playing football were using my left edge as a goalpost and got rather irritated when I kept moving.

I then decided that I'd pretend to be a groundskeeper, so borrowed a rake and some shears from the man downstairs (well, he's not likely to be using them any time in the near future, given that the garden looks like the training ground for the Viet Cong) and headed out to rake and snip for all I was worth. Sadly, I managed to prune one lady's best Sunday hat, and nearly chopped off my own fingers.

So, third time lucky, I decided that I would be the ice-cream seller. If it was hot, I'd make a little money on the side, if not, at least I'd be indoors. So, anyway, there I was selling Strawberry Mivvi's like they were going out of fashion, when suddenly, there was a rustling from the bushes, and out stepped Sir Alan of Titchmarsh, brandishing another note-wrapped brick.

There was no time to lose, so I created a diversion by shouting 'The Mini Milks are on me!' In the ensuing rush, I managed to slip out the side entrance of the van, and was rushing headlong towards the pool. Unfortunately, in my haste I failed to notice the banana skin lying in my path. I slipped, flew gracefully through the air almost as if I'd been shot from a cannon, and landed in an ungainly heap in the middle of the paddling pool (fortunately, the water broke my fall). In the ensuing melee, during which I was cautioned by the police for causing a breach of the peace and being a danger to life and limb, Alan made his escape. However, no-one noticed the brick and note, which I was able to secrete about my person, before limping home.

Again, the same knot was used, as was the same rather interesting combination of words and pictures. This time their message was a little more sinister. 'Place the ransom money in a Tesco carrier bag, wrapped inside a Waitrose bag and leave it next to the bins outside Oddbins, no later than next Wednesday. If you do not do this, we will be forced to slay Mr Winton, in a most despicable manner. You have been warned.'

Still very polite, but with an undertone of steely menace that would indicate they're not people to be trifled with. I still need to do more detecting, I'll let you know what transpires.

Another bit!

Friday August 20th 2004

I'm sure you're all simply dying to know what I found out about the kidnapping of a certain Mr Winton yesterday.

Well, once I got home last night, I opened my Detective Action pack, placed the deerstalker hat on my heed, placed the 'Kojak' lolly in my gob and set to work. I grabbed the magnifying glass, the mini notebook and pen and my fake ids, and off I went. Firstly, I scoured the road junction where the 'incident had occurred' (they tell you all the technical language you need in the handy guidebook that comes with the pack). Apart from some tyre marks, which only indicated that it was a front wheel drive vehicle, was manufactured in the late 90s, was driven by a heavy-set man with rather bad dandruff and that they'd paid little heed to the Highway code, it didn't really tell me much. I tried some door to door enquiries, but after three hours of saying 'No, I'm not selling encyclopaedias, I'm trying to solve a crime', I gave up.

However, just when I was about to turn for home, I noticed a trail of blue smarties, leading across the road into the local park. I followed it for a while, and it led to the children's paddling pool, in the middle of which a note was left tied to a brick. Fortunately there was no water in the pool, as I'd completely forgotten to bring my galoshes, and my suede effect brothel creepers don't react well to getting wet.

Anyway, I retrieved the brick, untied the note (noticing as I did that they'd used a clove hitch knot, with a double salco - ice skating sailors perhaps were involved?)

The note was one of those classic ransom notes, with letters cut from magazines to make up the words. I think it was either Playboy or Gynaecologist's Weekly that they'd used as there were some rather interesting images to accompany the letters, but I digress. It read: If you want to see Winton alive again, we want five hundred pounds, a getaway car and a subscription to Zoo. Oh, and some pork scratchings. We will leave another note telling you where to leave the money. Thank you.

Very polite for kidnappers, but still no clue as to who they are. I'll keep investigating.

The very first bit...

A tiny bit of background to start with.

Kats PI came about as the result of a throwaway comment on a discussion forum. Being the person I am, I couldn't fail to take up the challenge of making the 'Good Morning' Thread just that little bit more interesting. Here's what happened the first day.

The case of the Dale Winton kidnapping

Thursday August 19th 2004

stumbles into the morning thread ridiculously late, with blouse all skew whiff and hair looking like it's been dragged through a hedge backwards...

Good lord, am I late? You just would not believe what happened to me on the way in.

Firstly, I witnessed the kidnapping of Dale Winton by the Fake Tan Freedom Association. Naturally, I rushed to the local police station to report it as soon as I'd recovered from the shock (with the aid of several large brandies and the assistance of Sven from downstairs.)

The police seemed to think I had something to do with it, and tried the third degree on me. Fortunately I knew all the words to 'When Will I See You Again' so they were out of luck there. They tried to rough me up, but I was far too rough for them, and used several words which made even the sergeant blush (and he used to be a docker!)

Anyway, they were just about to take me to the cells when I made a break for it, and had to run through the woods to escape them. They had the tracker dogs and everything, but I managed to throw them off the scent by laying a false trail of Impulse Body Spray.

Then all I had to do was get the bus and get to work. I think I'll go and have a lie down now.